Psilocybin Mushrooms for Psychological Growth - My Story

For as long as I can remember I have had an interest in the inner workings of the human brain, mainly, I think, due to the fact I often struggle with my mental health. For years my mind felt fragmented and at war with itself. I needed to make a change, but I didn’t know how. This article details how my discovery of psilocybin mushrooms helped me to change my mind, and change my life.

In therapy I had learned that parts of my mind were shut off as a result of childhood trauma and abuse. Though I ‘knew’ this, I wasn’t willing, or ready to truly face it.  Other, equally inaccessible parts of me were full of anger and continually undermined my thoughts and actions. Simply put, I was very unhappy.

Though I do not deny the life-changing benefits which many people experience from the usage of medication to combat their struggles, I have never been interested in taking pharmaceuticals. I explored hypnotherapy and psychotherapy but neither helped me to truly unburden myself. I turned to meditation, which was more positive. With practice I found that I could leave my body and be free for a while. The release was intoxicating. I spent more and more time in that state and hated returning to normality. It reached a point where I was spending up to 7 hours a day meditating. I knew I was trying to outrun myself but I couldn’t accept it.

Slowly I began to experience a kind of awakening.

This is when I began to consider experimenting with psilocybin mushrooms.

Prior to my ‘awakening’ I would have been far too worried to take any psychedelic for fear of a negative experience. Yet, in my new state of awareness I was instinctively ready to dive in. But not without prior preparation. I spent many hours researching others’ experiences and looking into the science. I was quickly reassured that mushrooms were very unlikely to put me at risk physically. The amount I would have to ingest to cause any major problems was huge.

Below is a quick summary of some of the information I reviewed when making my decision to explore psilocybin mushrooms:

The Active Compound

Cultural and Ritualistic Use

Psychotherapy and scientific research

Psilocybin is being extensively studied to better understand its effects on brain function and how it may influence consciousness. Functional brain imaging studies have provided insights into the neural mechanisms involved in psychedelic experiences.

End-of-Life Anxiety

Treatment-Resistant Depression

Addiction Treatment

Legality

Personally, illegality didn’t worry me. In my opinion psychedelics belong to humanity. No government should have the right to tell us that we can’t help ourselves with nature's medicines. I personally trust nature far more than I do Pharmaceutical companies.

My research not only reassured me of the likely safety of mushrooms, but also further piqued my curiosity. The seemingly extensive data on their effectiveness in assisting with difficulties such as my own, the countless glowing anecdotal reports. Honestly, I was excited.

Something inside me felt locked up, hidden in the untouched corners where meditation couldn't reach, no matter how long and hard I tried. Unveiling it promised to be a rocky road, but I knew my growth depended on facing the unknown head-on. In the words of Carl Jung:

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious.

By now my excitement far outweighed any lingering trepidation. Perhaps somewhat inadvisably I decided on 50 grams of fresh mushrooms for my first dose. This was the so-called ‘heroic dose’ popularised by figures such as Terence McKenna.

Oddly, my measuring automatically stopped at 45 grams, I can't explain why, just a gut feeling. Perhaps it simply looked like an awful lot. I blended the mushrooms with lemon juice (lemon-tek). It's said that the citric acid in the lemons speeds up the process of converting the psilocybin to psilocin and keeps nausea at bay.

After fasting for 24 hrs I downed the potion at around 2 pm, creating a safe, cosy space with soft lights, a snug bed, water, snacks, and music.

I began on the balcony, enjoying the trees and the blue sky. A little jittery now, I sought guidance, asking the mushrooms to open me up to this uncharted territory. After about twenty minutes, I noticed the first signs. Colours began to dance around me, reminding me of the postcards my grandparents sent from Spain in the '70s. Everything became very bright and saturated. When I closed my eyes, my mind was awash with geometric shapes. I looked at a flower, and I became the flower, sun-soaked with soft yellow petals. A feeling of unity with all things enveloped me. I have never before felt such a profound connection to life. I loved how the trees and plants were reaching for the sun. The beauty of the world brought me to tears. When I saw my cat, she looked like she had popped out of a Pixar movie. A magical hour melted away. But, then I remembered why I was in this unusual headspace.

I tore myself away from the beauty and headed to my designated room. It was time to lay down in the dark and surrender to the experience. It quickly became what can only be described as: very trippy.

Buddhas on my wall started to slither towards me like grey snakes with Buddha faces.

The room played with shapes; nothing looked the same. Looking into the mirror, my face morphed into different people – old, young, friendly, demonic, loving. It was fascinating. I had been told not to look in a mirror but I felt an overwhelming urge to do so. I saw all of humanity. The good, the bad. I understood how we all contain all things. I saw how each has its opposite. No wonder we battle our inner selves so much when there are so many beings within.

Then it came, the thing I had not been able to reach. The unveiling of that shadowy, hidden beast. It floated towards me from across the room like a cloud. I knew what it was and was overtaken by anxiety because the part of me that could normally push it away was in no state to push anything anywhere. I was defenceless. I was back in my childhood, in that dark, bone-chilling inner space I visited at twelve. The abuse I suffered, and the resulting inner torment made me dissociate, landing me in a bizarre alternate reality.

At the time, it had terrified me, and I had learned to block it out, locking it and that child away in the depths of my mind. I felt the fear of this place disperse as I inhabited it in the present.

A breakthrough!

I was able to love her how she should have been loved.

Over the next several hours there were too many different experiences to describe. They all opened doors in my mind and revealed how open and free it can feel without the conditionings of day-to-day life.

Once the effects started to become less intense I was able to relax and put on some music. That was also a magical experience. I chose a live recording of my best loved band ‘Counting Crows’. I was everything at once. I could move from person to person and feel what they were feeling. It was the best concert of my life.

Time didn’t seem to exist, and when I finally came back to myself I was surprised to discover that 10 hours had passed since the experience began.

Psilocybin mushrooms were nothing short of a breakthrough for me, allowing me to face emotions I had hidden from, and helping me to bring back together the broken pieces of my psyche. I found that a lot of this insight came in the following days when back in my normal headstate. During the trip, everything is obviously a bit weird and surreal. It is reflection after the fact that brings clarity. I spent many hours over the next few days just digesting and recalibrating myself, allowing what I had learned to settle in.

I would recommend this experience wholeheartedly.

All you need is an open mind and the willingness to lay yourself bare and accept what comes.

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